On Being Dumped

I was out drinking with H last night. H, as I mentioned in an earlier entry, had been royally fucked over by the love of his life. At the time, I had mentioned two of the five stages he was going to go through at the time, and as we commisserated over hot whiskeys and pints of Guinness, I explained what the other stages were.

Stage 1: Denial a.k.a. The "last chance" phase
This is where your S.O. has told you they're breaking up with you. Or that they need "space". Or any of the other phrases which to an objective observer would mean "We're through." But not to you. Your brain translates it as "Shit! This is serious! I might get dumped! Well, okay, whatever it is, I can fix it. I can change. It's going to be better. Whatever it is, I'll do it, but don't break up with me!"

Stage 2: Delusion a.k.a. The "they'll be back" phase
You're convincing yourself on some level that they will realise they've made a horrible mistake in dumping you. They will sheepishly, possibly tearfully, call you and either beg forgiveness or ask if they can work things out. At this stage, it is not uncommon to have dreams where this actually happens. Fantasies of the ex throwing themselves on your mercy are commonplace. As is the denouemont where you prove yourself to be the mature person, and "grudgingly" accept them back. Don't kid yourself. It's not going to happen.

Stage 3: Anger a.k.a. The "that bitch/bastard ruined my life" phase
This is the stage where you hate your ex with an unreasoning and irrational hatred. You only get here when you've finally accepted that your ex is not coming back. The more extreme of us possibly fantasise elaborate revenge scenarios, but even the most tame looks forward to the day when you'll be doing so much better, run into them, behold their life is in the shitheap, and then you can gloat mockingly.

Stage 4: Isolation a.k.a. The "I'll never be hurt like that again" phase
Well, there's some overlap between some of the stages, so you may not have put away all you're rage yet. But this is the point where you decide that you'll protect your heart in future. You'll never expose your innermost core, you'll never trust anyone 100%. You may stop dating for a while, convinced that the entire gender of your choice is just fucked up and not worth it.
You also lose all self-confidence about what made you such a catch in the first place. Your ego takes a hammering. It is not inconceivable to you that you will never have sex again.

Or if you still date, you'll just go through the motions of being in a relationship, but secretly you just won't give a shit about the person you're seeing.

Stage 4 can last a very long time. Depending on the severity and circumstances of the initial dump.

Stage 5: External confidence a.k.a. The "Faking it" phase
You're back in the dating scene, still bruised, but not showing it.

Stage 5 is kind of the final "stage" before you completely heal, so I guess you could call stage 6 (the desired status quo) "Internal Confidence" where the attitude you exude to attract a partner is no longer superficial and fake.

It's surprising how closely the above five stages of being dumped from a long term relationship can correlate to being fired from a long-term job. And I should know, I've been fired from a lot of jobs.

Anyway, H is now in stage 4 but looking to enter stage 5 soon.


posted by Manchild at 10:13 AM